Orochiboss
by Lord Mendasuit
Summary: Orochimaru decides to go fetch Sasuke himself, despite his useless arms, because he has the patience of a child. This ends up being, of course, severely counterproductive.


_In which a snake underestimates a pair of idiots...  
_

Orochimaru was NOT known for his patience. As a matter of fact, he had the patience of a child, all things considered. Kabuto knew this. Frankly, he was pissed off to no end about his master's impatience, but, what the hell, it's just a pair of genin, one of which is already trying to defect anyway. Surely, even though he doesn't have his arms, Orochimaru could've taken a pair of genin, no matter how exceptional they may be.

Still, he decided that maybe he should not wait for Orochimaru's return early, you know. Things in the Valley Of The End never went well for anyone…

"Children!" Orochimaru called. Truth be told, he'd just caught the children fighting each other just like children would. Apparently, Naruto had, at some point, decided to bitch-slap Sasuke, who replied in kind. "Hey!"

They didn't seem to notice him, as they seemingly took turns to slap each other.

It was oddly reminiscent of a catfight, and entertaining as it was, Orochimaru was kind of tired of being ignored, so he decided to break them up… by yelling, since his arms were kind of useless and Kusanagi might damage the goods.

"HEY!" Finally, they both snapped their heads towards him.

"**WHAT?**" Both yelled at the top of their lungs, helped by the ominously evil chakra that powered their lungs (for they had both beaten the shit of each other enough to forcibly trigger their monstrous states). Orochimaru might have flinched if he wasn't used to seeing much more terrifying things (he had, after all, stared down the God Of Shinobi without even flinching... except maybe when the old man tried to pull his soul out. THAT had been fucking terrifying).

"I came for him!" Orochimaru yelled, pointing at Sasuke… with his tongue. And all that that entails.

"Crap!" Sasuke yelled, drawing the word out, once he figured out that he wouldn't end his fight with Naruto… and he was almost surprised to hear Naruto chorus it. Truth be told, it was the least he'd been expecting from his… rival.

"Yes little brat! Sit down and stop! I came for you and my cock you will suck!"

Truth be told, Naruto had expected no less from Orochimaru, but would it have killed him to make a snake pun there? It was a prime spot to do so!

"This world will be mine and you're first in line! You brought me out here and you shall now die!" he added, howling like a maniac while pointing at Naruto with his tongue, somehow managing to do so perfectly understandably despite having his tongue out. It was kind of creepy.

"Wait!" Naruto yelled, raising both of his hand. "WAIT!" He added, as Orochimaru vomited Kusanagi. "WAIT, YOU MOTHERFUCKER!" He said, with some spine to himself.

"Language." Sasuke chided.

"Fuck language! It's Orochimaru, it's not like he cares." Naruto replied.

Orochimaru would've shrugged if he could. "True."

"We challenge you to a showdown!" Naruto yelled, making both Sasuke and Orochimaru blink. Could anyone be THAT stupid? He was exhausted from his fight with Sasuke and Orochimaru was, all things considered, in pretty damn good health, if you didn't count his arms. Must have been one hell of a medic nin he had.

Orochimaru rationalized things. Of course. That was the Kyuubi's behavior. Brat had probably managed to trick it into lending its power, and it could prevent him from escaping. Seeing the tails swishing behind Naruto sent him into a string of curses. "Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!" The last one was surprisingly drawn out. "The Kyuubi will prevent me from running away with Sasuke! What are your terms?" Certainly, he wouldn't normally bow down to rules set by children.

But being the Kyuubi jinchuuriki, he might as well play along.

"What's the catch?" Orochimaru finished.

Sasuke sighed. "We?" He asked, looking at Naruto, who grinned at him.

"If we win, you must take your sorry ass back to sound!" Naruto said, smirking. "Also, you will have to pay my rent." He added, considering moving to a better place.

"And what when he wins?" Sasuke asked.

"Don't you mean 'if'?" Naruto replied, tilting his head to the side.

"He's just being realistic." Orochimaru pointed out.

"Then you can take him to the sound." Naruto said, then grinned. "To be your little bitch."

Sasuke narrowed his eyes. "Wait, what?" He asked, glaring at Naruto's head.

"Trust me, it's the only way." Naruto said, nodding to himself.

"What are you talking about?" Sasuke asked, clearly beyond exasperated.

"Look at it this way: If we can beat him by working together, then clearly you were wrong and teamwork really is superior." Naruto said.

Sasuke analyzed the argument and, finding no flaws or no real reason to simply kill Naruto and be done with it, he decided to fight Orochimaru. After all, he had to test his new power against someone who was a normal person and not a freak of nature that just wouldn't stay down.

"Fine!" Orochimaru yelled. "Let the showdown begin!" As if by magic, the Sannin darted forward, swinging his arms like a fleshy whip by moving his shoulders. Apparently, he'd had enough time to learn how to fight with useless arms. Without missing a beat, Orochimaru capitalized on their surprise and jumped forward, headbutting Naruto and trying to decapitate him on the spot with the Kusanagi.

It failed, as he was thrown to the ground, though he barely saw Naruto move… and he still laughed like a maniac as both reunited. "I'm the Orochi I love snakes!" Okay, that was entirely unnecessary, or so both genin agreed.

Still, they didn't have time to dwell, as apparently, it was some kind of codeword for a giant snake to come rushing into the fight. How the hell he'd summoned them with handsigns was beyond either of them. Frankly, neither cared. Sasuke kicked it into the air, at which point it met a Rasengan head on and was splattered.

It bought Orochimaru enough time to sneak up behind Sasuke and kick him in the back, which sent him shooting like a bullet in Naruto's direction. "Check this Jutsu it's fucking tasty!" Orochimaru yelled, as his chest cavity seemed to enlarge. Seconds after, he let loose a freaking hurricane on them.

Surprisingly, they simply dived underwater, letting the jutsu pass them over harmlessly. Apparently, three dimensional fighting was beyond Orochimaru, as he stayed back while they pondered what to do. Sasuke, in particular, didn't want anything to do with this. He'd just wanted to defect and be done with it, but it seemed that Orochimaru, for all of his power, was a moron.

"There's no technique I cannot do!" the snake Sannin yelled, showing that despite his useless arms, he was most decidedly not harmless, as water whips tried to slice and dice the genin, even underwater.

"I can't wait to take Sasuke to the Sound! I'm gonna fill him with my hot cursed gel! You're gonna squeal like a little pig!" Orochimaru boasted, laughing maniacally to himself.

"NO!" Sasuke found himself chorusing along Naruto. Hell, he just wanted power, not whatever the fuck strange things Orochimaru would do to him. Really, there were things that just weren't worth it, and he still had the secondary objective of resurrecting the Uchiha clan, after all.

Orochimaru deemed it time for banter, then, as both turned to glare at each other.

"C'mon 'Ke, bring the thunder!" Naruto said, grinning like a loon.

"There's no way I'll work with you, you're a fucking little bitch! He's just too good because he's not got any friends!" Sasuke yelled, gritting his teeth and clenching his fists, feeling the cursed power flow through him.

"God dammit man!" Naruto swore under his breath. Then he stomped, and Sasuke felt forced to watch as Naruto's face morphed from thinly veiled eagerness to seriousness. "Listen!" He said.

Sasuke nodded, at least he'd give him a chance to speak.

"He's gonna make you his sex slave! You're gonna _gargle_ mayonnaise!"

"NO!" Sasuke yelled, as his whole body gave an involuntary shudder, and he looked at Orochimaru, who was still smirking, vaguely amused by the whole exchange.

"Well he will. I mean, just look at him! He practically screams pedophile!"

Orochimaru pouted. "Why does everyone think that?" He asked, no one in particular.

"Unless we work together to bust outta this massive monstah mamma jam!" Naruto finished, silently declaring everything else unimportant.

Sasuke nodded, and despite himself, grinned at Naruto. "Dude…" He trailed off, as both he and Naruto got a genuine, almost nostalgic smile, on their faces. "We've been through so much shit…"

"Beat down Zabuza, with a trick…" He added, as both turned to Orochimaru.

"**Now it's time to blow this traitor down!**" They both yelled at once.

"C'mon pal, now it's time to blow doors down!" Naruto yelled, jumping at Orochimaru, delivering a tremendously powerful hit that would've normally taken a head clean off the shoulders, but Orochimaru was able to roll with the blow so much that he barely even felt a love tap.

"I hear you buddy now it's time to blow doors down!" Sasuke continued, rushing behind Naruto and making use of Orochimaru's temporary distraction to try and sweep his legs off him. Orochimaru jumped back, however, and used the Kusanagi as leverage to backflip. How, nobody would ever know.

"Line up the valley, 'cause it's time for our showdown!" Naruto chanted, smiling widely as he once again rushed at Orochimaru, this time throwing a bunch of kunai and shuriken first. They were easily avoided, and one was reflected by the Kusanagi… However, the rest turned into Naruto clones before hitting the ground, and the one that struck Kusanagi vanished in a puff of smoke.

Orochimaru spun around himself, raising his legs, to dispel the clones at once, and smacked Sasuke in the face with his tongue when Sasuke tried to capitalize on the brief moment of weakness that the snake's landing left him in. Sasuke growled. "We'll bend you over then we'll take you to brown town!" My oh my, what language, Sasuke!

"C'mon now 'cause it's time to blow doors down!" Naruto yelled, as the henge around the fake Sasuke collapsed, revealing the real Sasuke coming from behind Orochimaru, delivering a brutal flying kick to the Sannin's back. Again, he rolled with the blow, but this one was much more damaging regardless.

"C'mon Naruto, it's time for a smack down!" Sasuke yelled, as Naruto erupted from below the water to deliver a staggering uppercut to Orochimaru's face, which sent him flying up.

Again, it was time for banter, as Orochimaru did a few flips and landed on his feet, on the other side of the valley.

"Hey Antikage!" Naruto yelled, a smirk on his face. "Orochiboss!" He added. "We know your weakness, your arms are sauce!" the blond continued.

"We rock the chakra," A small pause allowed Sasuke to regain his breath, though it was barely noticeable. "and blow your mind!" Sasuke said, raising his tired arms, feeling appendages that he hadn't had before erupt from his back.

"We will defeat you," Naruto's breath was in a similar state. "for all mankind!"

"You are the sound, we are the leaf!" Sasuke continued, once his breath was fully back to him, and he grinned as Naruto seemed to fully recover as well.

"You are a serpent, we are a team!" Naruto finished.

"We are a team." Sasuke repeated.

"We are a team." Naruto confirmed.

As if in unison, both repeated it again. And again. And again. It was maddening. No less than eighteen repetitions, and Orochimaru's distraction allowed them to begin closing in with the third, and by the eighteenth, Orochimaru felt both fists crash against his cheeks, making him shoot off like a rocket and make a gigantic splash as he hit the water.

Both Naruto and Sasuke panted for a few seconds.

"Fuck!" Sasuke cursed, as he saw Orochimaru raise from the water, almost entirely unharmed except for a pair of fist shaped marks in his cheeks and apparently bleeding in his mouth. Orochimaru spat a bit of blood on one of his arms.

"You guys are really lame." Orochimaru lamented. "C'mon 'Ke, you're coming with me! Eat them, Manda!" Apparently, being incapable of using his arms didn't mean he couldn't flap them around, and when they met each other, and the blood collided with a strange seal on one of Orochimaru's arms, a _massive_ fucking snake came right the fuck out of nowhere.

"Taste my lightning, fucker!" Sasuke yelled, beyond angry, as he poured everything he had into one Chidori. He ripped straight through Manda, leaving a person sized hole as he rushed for Orochimaru. He no longer had enough strength to Shunshin, however, and he was left running like a fool.

"Aw fuck!" Orochimaru yelled, as he saw Manda poof out of existence. "My fucking snake!" He said, however, he wasn't too concerned, as Sasuke could barely run anymore… unless... "Oh no!"

"Go back to your hole, tunnel snake! Rasenchidori!" Naruto put one arm around Sasuke's waist, and the other met Sasuke's outstretched palm. The balls that were the Rasengan and the Chidori united into one single, purplish sphere of destruction, and Orochimaru could feel his own fear already paralyzing him as they both ran towards him.

But hey, it was one awesome Jutsu.

As both crashed to the ground, heedless of the gore splashed everywhere, they both rolled until they were lying on their backs. "We did it." Naruto stated. "We defeated Orochimaru."

Sasuke grunted.

"And we did it… together. The power of teamwork." Naruto stated, grinning.

"… I still think you're an idiot, though. That last attack could've killed _us_." Sasuke said.

"It probably would have if I hadn't had those two clones Kawarimi with us before the attack exploded."

"You are a moron."

"Heh. At least I didn't almost become a snake bastard's bitch."

"Touchè."

Tsunade and Jiraiya, at the Hokage's office, couldn't believe the Jounin in front of them. "I believe this merits a party." Jiraiya stated. "And at least the Uchiha brat came to his senses at the last minute."

"Yeah. I would've probably killed a bunch of chuunin just to relieve stress from the paperwork of the political shitstorm this whole incident would've caused if it'd been public."

Kakashi gave one of his characteristic eye smiles. "See? It all worked out for the better, in the end." He said, reclining on his chair.

And everybody lived happily ever after.

* * *

"I'm not dead." Orochimaru said. "This is just a minor setback."

Kabuto blinked. "That is _soo_ adorable."

Indeed, Chibi Orochimaru, made from what was left of the original, was unbelievably adorable.

"Fuck you, Kabuto."

Well, everybody lived happily ever after except Orochimaru.


End file.
